Without thinking who is interested and who is not, I am writing this post. The opinions and the thoughts are personal and only related to today's context of my life and people around me. Well, more related to people who WERE around me and coping up with the fact that now they are not.
Why to publish it here...well I just got to know today that my blog link is earning me more dollars than my youtube videos. Well, this motivated me to keep the blog live. So here is the first mental block which I am going through and is open for discussion.
Why to publish it here...well I just got to know today that my blog link is earning me more dollars than my youtube videos. Well, this motivated me to keep the blog live. So here is the first mental block which I am going through and is open for discussion.
21 is a good age to fall in love. Perhaps for me it was falling in love again. She was simple, she was a homely person and very lovable. Now the dilemma starts from here it self - WAS or she Still Is? Anyway, going ahead... I fell for the girl and she fell for me too. We started dating and we were going strong until my male ego made its place in us. When our careers started changing their paces and when I felt that luck is taking her way ahead than what talent will ever take me. When I started to grow more and more possessive about her. When I started to grow all the more insecure about almost her every movement. All this happened right after she got her fist film as an actress.
I always knew that I was possessive, It took us a few months to start dating officially as I always said that this wont work coz I become too insecure. She said she was ready to handle me. She did keep her word until it went beyond her patience. Though she loved me, she was a human being and she had her limits to bear. and one fine day she had to let herself be what every being would always want to be - Happy and stress-free!
I always knew that I was possessive, It took us a few months to start dating officially as I always said that this wont work coz I become too insecure. She said she was ready to handle me. She did keep her word until it went beyond her patience. Though she loved me, she was a human being and she had her limits to bear. and one fine day she had to let herself be what every being would always want to be - Happy and stress-free!
On the other hand I never wanted an actress partner. There are few things you naturally hate, and a breed of actresses is what I always hated. But that was my problem. Not hers. She had the opportunities of doing what she loved and she had to take it. There was no 2nd thought to it.
During our fights I always thought that getting away from her is the solution. Maybe if we wont be dating at all, I wont feel insecure about anything anymore. And thus, when it exceeded my limit of living with an actress partner, I ended it.
During our fights I always thought that getting away from her is the solution. Maybe if we wont be dating at all, I wont feel insecure about anything anymore. And thus, when it exceeded my limit of living with an actress partner, I ended it.
Now the problem. Why I never wanted an actress partner. Even after getting away from that person. Her existence never left me. Being an actress she is every where. She is on television, she is on the internet, she is on instagram...not just her account, but the fan made posts and the posts that channel uses to market their daily soap. She is on the transit buses ads, she is on the hoardings and she is everywhere haunting me.
The more I run away from her existence the more her presence comes near me,
And its all the more worse when I know that the real person, who is far more lovable and soulful, hates Me much more than how much she loved me.
So there is no chance of neutralizing the fucked up past.
The more I run away from her existence the more her presence comes near me,
And its all the more worse when I know that the real person, who is far more lovable and soulful, hates Me much more than how much she loved me.
So there is no chance of neutralizing the fucked up past.
Even though I am happy for her, I want to be happy for myself too.
How do I live without being affected is what my search is. Sometimes I really feel like running away from everything. Running away from this city, from the hoardings and from every link related to her. But ultimately she feeds on media and media feeds on people like her. There is no running away from the media, unless I take Sanyas and start living in Mountains...which is again not practical.
The dilemma stays - one time I feel like just tuning to the channel and watching her every video once for all, but the next moment I know that that is going to kill me for I would know that I am looking at a fake person I once really knew well. I am looking at a person who once loved me and now hates me. But then I fear...will that cure this problem?
"When you cannot avoid, enjoy it." - That's exactly what I am unable to do.
I am becoming the bad person because she is famous now. I am becoming the bad person even for myself.
How do I grow up from this ! How far do I run? How to be OK with all this is the answer I am trying to find.
All in all I was right about one thing for myself - I never wanted to date an actress, coz I knew that if that goes out of hands, these were going to be the consequences.
However, my life and the problems around it continue to stay 'filmy'! That's the only high-point to feel good.
This dilemma of yours will sound good if given 'a page' in your autobiography. It won't really look appealing if you devote the entire book to it. After all there are too many fishes in the pond and you are one fine bait! I hope you got what i wanted to say ;)
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