Maharashtrian, 25, Film-maker.

            

Very few will understand what an unfortunate triangle these three dots in the title can make. 

     To begin with there is nothing wrong in being a Maharashtrian today, when the Marathi regional cinema is in it’s own New Wave revolution.  There is nothing wrong in being 25 either (honestly I have no option there). And there is nothing wrong in being a film-maker as well. However, right now these three things complied together in my life is sort of not forming a very good tri-angle to be in.

     Film-maker may sound fancy here, but it is definitely not. Not when you are 25. 

It’s a very odd age to be in this field.

You are usually a couple of big films old (assisted or been a part of it someway). Your position as an assistant director is not changing. You are doing the same bunch of things for every film-maker you are assisting. You are the punching bag of the whole unit. And you get paid terribly less.
Even after all this the film that you worked horribly hard for, may not even release.

     At this age only a lucky few are able to net a big fish that is ready to put money on you to be an independent director.

I have a pile of project offers ahead of me today but my excitement doesn’t even raise its eye brow, let go hopping in joy. Coz again, I know that all I have to do is make lists, co-ordinate and call the actors out of their vanity vans. Oh yes…along with their tantrums. And all this for peanuts (they too have become expensive, but not when you get paid in them).

     The regional cinema has started making money for itself but not the Assistant directors. They are on the pay roll of 1920s.
And because I don’t have excess money, I am unable to put it in the short-film of my own either. ‘All you need is a camera and a vision’ they say. But I have already been there - Made a few shorts that don’t even go close to the look of the film. With the rising competition and mainstream film makers making short films and Web-series, one need to catch-up with the changing times.

     Everyone around me of my age are now repaying their loans, buying their first vehicle, flying abroad, eating at fancy places and almost getting settled.
And here I am, clueless of what my schedule will be tomorrow. I have no money to go on dates, no money to go on a trip to freshen up my mind, no idea how and what my life is gonna make me go through in next few months. 

The only thing too certain at the age of 25 in a life of film-maker is ‘uncertainty’.  

     Sitting home for months, writing stuff you don’t know who’s gonna buy, which of all of them will ever come to life in the form of cinema or any other art form, which of those will get any exhibition at all and reach up to the audience so that they appreciate or criticize.

I think of watching a film, I feel like making one.
I watch a web-series, I feel that given a good team even I can pull this off.
I watch a short film by mainstream film makers and feel that, they have the people to put in money for them and thus it looks like a feature film.
I think of reading and I could only see the words in the form of frames.
Thinking of doing anything leads to only one thing that is lack of resources to make a desired product or to too many things that you require to make the film when you don’t have too much money.

     I am unable to plan it out coz 99% of times plans do not work. The 1% that works is usually what you prefer the least in the lot. The uncertainty and the failing plans make me really unsure about myself. Many a times I start getting a creepy feeling that I have started losing faith in my concepts and ideas. And then I struggle to get that faith back. I lose my moral. Defense mechanism fuels it more and I start arguing for my limitations with myself. Even my girlfriend has answers to everything under the sun and I am clueless about almost everything around me.

However, two things don’t die - The Passion and the hope.

A passion, to still go through everything and making it big one day. And a hope, that this too will pass.

     I treat this phase of life as the 25th to 39^th over stretch in a one day cricket innings. How much ever boring and slaggy it gets, you need to go through it to live the fun that’s going to come.

And then sometimes the best films in my list and their dialogues keep me inspired. 

“Above all: don’t lose hope.” – Life Of Pi

“Hope is a good thing to have, maybe the best of things and good things never die.” – The Shawshank Redemption.

“The genius thing that we did was, we didn’t give up” – Well that’s not from any film but I like it any way. Read it as a text quote in TVF Pitchers.

And then I feel that being 25 is not that bad after all. At least it sounds good.